A perfect storm...

For those that are new - the beginning...

The me-of-today rummages through the fucking drawer discarding bits of now all over the bed and floor.

It's gone.

Perhaps it was never here.

The picture was of Cecilia and me on a train, together holding up a hitching sign that read 'London or bust?'. Me green haired, her still blond. Had that been the day she had bought the pink dress?

But the photo is not here now.

And so, until I find it, you will have to believe my infatuation was truly worthy. When you read of her you should imagine the most beautiful creature in the world - for that's what she was to me. She was my perfect.

In those two girls I found everything. Claudia was funny, wise, worldly, crazy, eccentric, inspirational, optimistic and strong. I loved her like a big sister even though we were only a matter of months apart in age and I the older. I sensed she was more than me.

Cecilia offered me something exquisite though. As I cast aside all the qualities of myself that could be perceived as likable to the opposite sex, I now claimed her as the parts of me I would no longer need.

This love was perfection, for it would be never tainted by the physical.

I could adore her from both afar and near; admire her beauty and watch others watch her as they once watched me. I could hold her like a piece of delicious candy bait for all men that might have abused the prettier me and strike them down with venom and anger as they neared her. She knew her strengths. Paraded them. I was coming to know mine.

'Mum' screamed Claudia through the letter box, trying to be heard over the loud classical music that poured from the kitchen. 'Open the fucking door!'

The woman was average height with a little too much weight round her middle and brown bobbed hair. She dressed sensibly and surprisingly drably for the mother of these two girls. We pushed past her in a line. Claud first, then Ceci, then me.

'This is Claire.' Offered Claudia. 'She doesn't usually look this crap but some nigga just beat her up and she's lost some teeth.'

'Not whole teeth.' I grinned 'Just bits of them.'

'And she's getting a black eye so we need some ice.' Claud pushed Ceci onto the sofa in the kitchen. 'And some food for Ceci, cause she is taking shit loads of speed and not eating and she is practically anorexic. Aren't you Ceci?'

'I'm not hungry.' Said Ceci. Perfectly.

'Make her a burger or something.' Claudia smiled at her Mum but I couldn't place why. 'Or don't you give a shit that your model daughter is getting too fucked up to eat.'

'I'm off out.' said the oddest Mother in the world. 'I am sure that you will find everything you need. Bathe. Don't use all my fucking Radox though.' And then she mumbled something about the local Harvester restaurant before heading out the door.

'Well thank fuck for that.' Smiled Claudia. 'Let's cook and then jack up vodka and LSD.'

Excellent.

We found peas for my eyes and some nasty supermarket ready meals in the freezer for dinner. This house was a two storey mid-terrace. The ground floor comprised of a kitchen and family lounge, a formal lounge, a hall and a large cupboard under the stairs with a freezer. The upstairs had three bedrooms (two large, one small), a toilet and a bathroom. There could have been more but I don't remember.

Claudia and I hungrily ate the shitty processed meals with several rounds of buttered bread and marmite. Cecilia decided not to eat and instead went to bathe in her pink rubber dress and kill two cleaning birds with one bathing stone. After my meal I went to the bathroom to join her. She lay there in a mist of Radox bubbles, pink rubbery nice bits just emerging above the water line. Her hair held up in a messy knot, she washed the city grey from her skin and dress. I sat on the sink and watched.

'Don't fucking stare its rude.' She said. So I took a toothbrush from the cup by the sink and cleaned my teeth in the mirror, viewing her from there instead. How I loved her and what she was.

'Fucking asshole fucked up three of my teeth.' I surveyed the damage, aware that Yang Dog had joined us and was now feet to bath, drinking the bubbly water around my girl.

'Your dog's sick' she stood to get out 'You should take him to the RSPCA. To the vet.'

'Tomorrow.' I thought and said. Then I waited for her to leave before I undressed and jumped in the water. I lay there content and wrapped in thoughts of where she'd been. I thought of her and how cold the night air would be on my clean and homeless skin. Its a fact that you are warmer dirty when homeless.

'You look dumb clean' Said Claud. "I'm gunna smear shit all over you as soon as we get back on the street.'

I couldn't figure if I cared.

Laid out on the kitchen bench were three syringes of vodka. Beside the syringes were a spoon, a lighter, a cigarette and a small plastic bag tied in a knot containing black dust.

'Microdot cocktail anyone?' said the Claudster. And I joined her at the bench.

Microdot LSD usually came sealed inside a strip of sellotape. One dot per centimeter, ready to be cut off and sold to the curious. This however was a score indeed. A dealer that we knew had given us the bag in which he had stored the dots before they were sealed in tape and the bag now contained the dust that was left over.

'Who knows how much LSD is in this fucking baby!' Exclaimed Claud. Rightly proud of her trophy.

We sprinkled some of the dust, who knows how much of the fucking dust, into the curve of the spoon and then squeezed out some of the vodka to make a liquid soup.

'How long do we heat it for?' I asked.

'I don't fucking know.' She held the flame to the bottom of the metal 'Don't know anyone else that's injected microdots before.' The flame licked and made the liquid sizzle and spit 'Or Vodka for that matter. It's all a bit experimental. You can go first. If you die I will tell everyone that you died for the sake of humanity. To answer the important question of just what the fuck happens if you inject alcohol and non-injectable drugs in a cocktail. It's a worthy fucking cause.'

I ripped off a small piece of the cigarette filter and dipped it in the liquid. Stuck the point of a needle onto this pad and pulled the plunger back to the half way point.

'That should do it.' I surmised. What it should do though would be anyone's guess. My experience of injecting drugs was as great as Claudia's. Fuck all. We had tried that time in the dealers apartment, sticking needle after needle after needle in our speckled arms but never successfully found a vein. That day we had eventually resorted to drinking the syringe contents and I predicted that today would end with similar success. At least I hoped. You couldn't get too fucked up drinking blood clots and crap could you?

Claudia switched on the television. The horror film Carrie had just started and Ceci curled up pink and delicious on the sofa whilst I perched beside her with the old school tie pulled tight around my upper arm. In shock I watched the red flood back in the barrel of the syringe and spill into the clear of its contents. 'I got a fucking vein!' I exclaimed. Both shocked and annoyed.

It burned.

Not a little but a lot. I put pressure on the plunger and squeezed just a small amount of the liquid to test if it would burn too much.

It burned a lot. But one big breath and a 'Who gives a fuck later' and I was left pulling the empty needle from my arm.

'Anything?' Asked Claud, as she joined us in front of the telly.

I searched my brain for impending somethings. My vision for colours or twists.

'Oh.' The floor length curtain that hung behind the telly blew inwards a little too much and spoke of a change.

'Claire?' said Claudia, syringe in one hand and the other waving in my field of vision 'Do we have a green light to go?'

But I couldn't articulate another word until they joined me on this plane of drugs and then the words were senseless. Beautiful, but senseless.

I am aware of the white of snow falling softly around me. Powder white puffs that smell like babies settling then shifting then settling again. Cecilia moves around the room shaking the white and making me love her. I think again of her perfection. No one will fuck her up. She's safe now in this little world of ours. I think of teeth and then back to snow again. Of pink, of her, of the drifting white that comes in droves and shakes and makes me cough and wonder. The girl on the television becomes splashed with red and looks as beautiful as my girl wrapped in pink. Claudia fetches more potions from the bathroom and blows Radox bubbles to dance with the white. We are happy here.

I could have stayed forever, but this reality was not for us as it was not for Claudia and momentarily she leads my world.

That evening we share laughter and tears and occasional fears and we seal this friendship and I build a family.

In my head I build us stronger.

I build my tender red.